I. A Floating barge house
Help us reenact our dreams of Huckleberry Finn-esque adventure, minus the death threats, thieves, and smallpox. Really, you're saving with this one, since it’s a two-in-one: a boat AND a house. A houseboat, also called a shantyhouse, a flatboat, broadhorn, barge, scow, or even an ark. The United States actually has a long history of these shantyboats: a common sight on the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers in the 19th and 20th centuries, these boats were home to some 50,000 people.
Imagine drifting down the Seine in this and pushing past plastic bottles with a long stick. So Romantic.
II. A Vintage Dungeons and Dragons Puzzle, 1000 pieces
Dungeons and Dragons isn’t just for pimply teenagers drinking Coca Cola in dark basements, but for very serious industry professionals, too. Now that we’ve cleared that up, can someone please get us this 1000 piece D&D puzzle? Our last 1000 piece puzzle only kept us busy for two days, and we’ve heard this one is extra tricky.
III. Christo and Jean Claude's Surrounded Islands
Can we get Christo’s Surrounded Islands from May 1983? Getting them would technically require both a time machine and two Boeing 737 to transport the 603,870 square meters of floating pink woven polypropylene fabric which were used to cover the surface of the water. Also, another island would need to be purchased to be the new home of the work. We know what you’re thinking- yes, the Ile Saint Louis would do it.
On second thought, keeping it would entirely defeat the artist’s intent to create impermanent and site-specific things. Maybe we just can’t have this one. Oh well.
IV. This Hand and a Half Sword
This one is a basic need. Everyone should have one. There was a time when, presumably, everyone did. This hand-and-a-half 15th century sword is a thing of beauty. Its name refers to the length of its hilt, which allows it to be wielded with one hand or two. The cross guard (or handle guard, or the horizontal part which protects your hand from being chopped off) looks like one half of the PHIPPS star.
Thought to be English, no one knows where it comes from exactly- but we know where it’s going: above our office’s mantlepiece.
V. A Plague Doctor Mask
Now, nearly everyone wears a mask when they leave their homes. But as each lockdown begins and ends, social distancing is becoming less rigorous. The supermarket’s lines of tape on the ground have been trampled into oblivion, and the subway is packed again.
Here’s the solution: a mask which protects you, those around you, and makes them stay the hell away from you- both because it is terrifying, and because the beak is so long, it would hook itself onto anything less than a metre away.
PS: Dear x, if you’re going to get this for us, please ensure it isn't carrying remnants of the actual 17th century plague.
A PHIPPS WISH LIST
VI. The Ford Falcon XB GT
Cult classic movie Mad Max tells the story of vengeful Australian policeman Max Rockatansky chasing a violent, motorcycle-riding gang through a dusty wasteland. Though its plot promised nothing more than a run of the mill action film, it grossed over 100 million Dollars worldwide thanks to its rookie director’s novel style of filming, and the readiness of his crew to risk anything for a good shot. But who cares about all of that? We’ll take his car, please. All eight individual exhaust side pipes, with the Weiand 6-71 supercharger sticking out through the hood. No cheaping out.
7. This Antique Chinese Artefact
This is a… a paperweight. Our post-its just keep flying away, you know? It’s definitely not a large bronze phallus from the Western Han period of the 2nd century BCE, and it wasn’t found in the first tomb of the Dayun Mountain in Xuyi, Jiangsu. You won’t find it at the Nanjing Museum in Eastern China, and it definitely didn’t belong to Lie Fei, the first (horny) king of Jiandu.
8. Federation Peak
The climbing gyms are closed because of, you guessed it, the Corona- but that won’t stop us from getting in a good workout. Preferably, this constitutes free soloing Australia’s scariest (and famously, only) mountain, Federation Peak. We’ll accept round trip tickets, or simply moving the mountain to the Parc des Tuileries. We’ll even share it with you, but if anyone slips during the 800 meter ascent, we weren’t the ones who put it there.
9. A copy of "How To Start Your Own Country"
Number 3 is fairly self-explanatory. How To Start Your Own Country is a guidebook by Erwin Strauss first published in 1979, which demonstrates to its readers five different methods for doing just that, as well as everything you need to know about sovereignty, national defense, diplomacy, raising revenue and recruiting settlers.
Strauss asks, “Why settle for being king of your castle when you can be king of your own country?”- so we’re thinking: Phippsland, Isle of Phipps, or just Phipps. Whichever one sounds the most likely to draw in daisy fresh settlers.
10. An Axolotl
The cutest amphibian we ever did see may be going extinct, but we really, really want one. If you gave us two, we could even try to breed them, provided they get along. Although it is true they're abundant in captivity, and have nearly disappeared from their natural habitats, so maybe that wouldn't help.
How about this, then. Axolotls are the Peter Pans of the mud: although other salamanders metamorphose into terrestrial creatures, axolotls hold on to their feathery gills and stay in the water for their entire lives. If we had one (or two), we’d make sure they get out of the house more often.
Cult classic movie Mad Max tells the story of vengeful Australian policeman Max Rockatansky chasing a violent, motorcycle-riding gang through a dusty wasteland. Though its plot promised nothing more than a run of the mill action film, it grossed over 100 million Dollars worldwide thanks to its rookie director’s novel style of filming, and the readiness of his crew to risk anything for a good shot. But who cares about all of that? We’ll take his car, please. All eight individual exhaust side pipes, with the Weiand 6-71 supercharger sticking out through the hood. No cheaping out.
7. This Antique Chinese Artefact
This is a… a paperweight. Our post-its just keep flying away, you know? It’s definitely not a large bronze phallus from the Western Han period of the 2nd century BCE, and it wasn’t found in the first tomb of the Dayun Mountain in Xuyi, Jiangsu. You won’t find it at the Nanjing Museum in Eastern China, and it definitely didn’t belong to Lie Fei, the first (horny) king of Jiandu.
8. Federation Peak
The climbing gyms are closed because of, you guessed it, the Corona- but that won’t stop us from getting in a good workout. Preferably, this constitutes free soloing Australia’s scariest (and famously, only) mountain, Federation Peak. We’ll accept round trip tickets, or simply moving the mountain to the Parc des Tuileries. We’ll even share it with you, but if anyone slips during the 800 meter ascent, we weren’t the ones who put it there.
9. A copy of "How To Start Your Own Country"
Number 3 is fairly self-explanatory. How To Start Your Own Country is a guidebook by Erwin Strauss first published in 1979, which demonstrates to its readers five different methods for doing just that, as well as everything you need to know about sovereignty, national defense, diplomacy, raising revenue and recruiting settlers.
Strauss asks, “Why settle for being king of your castle when you can be king of your own country?”- so we’re thinking: Phippsland, Isle of Phipps, or just Phipps. Whichever one sounds the most likely to draw in daisy fresh settlers.
10. An Axolotl
The cutest amphibian we ever did see may be going extinct, but we really, really want one. If you gave us two, we could even try to breed them, provided they get along. Although it is true they're abundant in captivity, and have nearly disappeared from their natural habitats, so maybe that wouldn't help.
How about this, then. Axolotls are the Peter Pans of the mud: although other salamanders metamorphose into terrestrial creatures, axolotls hold on to their feathery gills and stay in the water for their entire lives. If we had one (or two), we’d make sure they get out of the house more often.
